“You are a piece of the puzzle of someone else’s life. You may never know where you fit, but others will fill the holes of their life with pieces of you.” - Bonnie Arbor This struck me as being so relevant for musicians. I think so many of us see our work as unimportant, that we ourselves feel unseen, small, irrelevant. But if you’re putting your heart into it and putting it into the world, there’s always someone, often many someones, for whom you are a missing piece. People for whom you are giving permission, offering inspiration, giving context, helping someone grieve, or even just giving someone the catharsis of singing, screaming, or dancing their brains out. THANK YOU to each and every one of you who has ever shared a piece of yourself that fit a part of me perfectly, in every phase of my life.
“Music can lift us out of depression or move us to tears – it is a remedy, a tonic, orange juice for the ear. But for many of my neurological patients, music is even more – it can provide access, even when no medication can, to movement, to speech, to life. For them, music is not a luxury, but a necessity.” - Oliver Sacks The impact of music on the brain is totally wild, from the primal urge we get to bob our head to a beat, to how the parts of our brain that light up when we dance also light up when we WATCH someone dance, to all kinds of crazy stories about people coming back from comas after listening to a particular song. This is why we do what we do.
“I think that self-confrontation is a good thing, whether you do it by yourself in solitude or whether you do it in the presence of another person.” - Joni Mitchell I don’t know what Joni was actually going for here as I haven’t read her book, but this speaks so much to me about what so many of us do on stage. To get up there, slice yourself open and release your insides to an audience is an act of confrontation, both with the crowd and with the self. Here I am. This is what I’ve got. And I have no idea what you’ll do with it.
Some sage words from Ira Glass (This American Life), ESPECIALLY relevant to anyone starting out in any creative endeavor, or trying to ramp things up as an adult. Whether you’re painting, writing, drawing, singing, playing, or dancing, it’s crucial that you EMBRACE THE DISCOMFORT OF SUCKING A LITTLE, but probably in a really charming way. Consider how the process feels and how you can make it feel better. Praise yo’ damn self for every tiny thing you complete. Find affection for your work the way you would the work of a friend starting out. Show it off. Ask people what they love about it (because they’re guaranteed to find it more impressive than you do). Embrace the raw, messy, realness of your earlier or less polished work. Become a rawness activist - know your willingness to put yourself out there gives others permission to do the same. And some of the most powerful work you ever make will come from this vulnerable, human place. Do it with conviction.
This is why I believe in a better world. This is why I believe in people. This is why I’m becoming a coach. He goes on: “With humans, it depends on whether or not there’s something really worth fighting over - whether we live in a situation of abundance or not, whether we live in societies that are based upon sharing or societies that are based upon hoarding. All of these contextual issues really determine how we behave. Cleary we’ve got capacity for incredible brutality and we’ve got the capacity for incredible generosity. So we can go in any different direction depending on the situation. Having said that, I’d just like to note that nobody suffers from post traumatic stress disorder for having been generous. So there is some natural inclination towards sharing and kindness and generosity, and when we go against that, we suffer.”
I spent a great deal of my childhood believing I was legitimately stupid. Despite recognizing that my interests and ideas at the time could reasonably fall into an “intellectual” category (god, I REALLY wanted to understand Ulysses), I truly believed I was unintelligent and inept. And some of my earliest, formative relationships worked hard to fuel this belief. Certain aspects of my parenting, best friends, boyfriends. The message came again and again and again, “You’re an idiot. You’re unworthy. And everyone is laughing at you.“ It’s no surprise I spent my whole life hiding in a sketchbook. It’s no surprise I sweat and stuttered while reading in front of the class, that I shook while trying out for school musicals, or that I eventually took on the role of class clown to seek approval for my deficiencies. As a result, it also took me until I was 30 to start my first band. When I realized I’d wasted so many years on FEAR - on doing everything I could to AVOID APPEARING STUPID - I was horrified. So many years I couldn’t get back. For what? This is why I’m going into life coaching. Because in all those years, there was never anyone to tell me that I had a right to be on stage. That I had a right to speak my truth. That I had a right to be loud, and weird, and ugly, and messy, and angry, and wretchedly sad. That I had a right to hold an instrument. That I had a right to SUCK until I got better and STILL BE LOVED, ACCEPTED, AND RESPECTED. For that 5 year old, that 15 year old, that 25 year old that believed the lies they were fed - you are MORE than worthy. FUCK taking on other people’s views of you. FUCK waiting around and staying small. FUCK hiding and cowering and hustling for approval. My dear you are OVERFLOWING with possibility. And you are built of power. All you have to do is take the first step to claim it.
“I learned that my sadness never destroyed what was great about me. You just have to go back to that greatness, find that one little light that’s left. I’m lucky I found one little glimmer stored away.” - Lady Gaga I’m continually shocked by how many incredibly successful people have struggled with mental health in their lives.
David Shenk on The Science of Human Potential @ TedXSF
The thesis of this talk and of David’s book, The Genius in All of Us (very good read), is that talent is not inborn. Our skills and intelligence are not determined solely by our genes, but by the dynamic interaction of our genes and our environment.
What does this mean for, say, musicians?
Geniuses like Mozart are made, not born. Pick your musical hero - their skills are a combination of the many experiences they had while growing up, including parental support and resources, and the thousands of hours they put into their work.
Sure, some of us may have qualities that are more advantageous for a certain skill. Tall people may have an easier time at basketball, for example, and children who grew up hearing complex tonal languages like Mandarin Chinese may have an easier time attaining perfect pitch.
Similarly, some of us may have qualities that give us a disadvantage. My fear of failure is a result of what my brain learned from interactions with others as a child, and that is an obstacle to my goal of singing in a band.
But we are also hard-wired to adapt. If we require our brains to think about songwriting regularly, or if we require our fingers to execute certain exercises on the guitar regularly, our brains physically change in order to better accommodate those actions.
There is hope for all of us. Don’t avoid something because you don’t think you’re good enough. Other lessons from David Shenk’s book include: Know that your efforts WILL improve your skills. Every time you work on your craft, push yourself, challenge yourself a little more. Embrace failure and criticism. Have faith and just keep working on it.
Bodies have a way of telling us what they need. Yesterday mine was SCREAMING at me, and I find that the times when I LEAST want to slow down and listen are the times when I MOST need it. I got home from work yesterday and could tell something was off. It was pretty clear that I was exhausted, but in addition, I just felt WRONG in my body. I felt uncomfortable. I tried to ignore it by having a drink. I tried to ignore it by watching Netflix. Nothing felt right. I felt depressed. And scared about what that might mean when really everything is fine, right? After awhile, it became clear that I NEEDED to check in with myself. But I could sense this intense aversion to checking in. To looking at it. To getting present. So I did the one thing that always seems to help but that I NEVER want to do : I started vocalizing my feelings. I took out my phone, pressed record, and started talking. It felt like walking into a swarm of mosquitos. Or a sandstorm. Or just something that feels not just painful and gross, but fairly dangerous. This is emotional weight-lifting. What happened very quickly was that I uncovered a long list of beliefs I’d been harboring about myself that all centered around the feeling of disappointment. I realized that there’s been a subtle voice in the background repeating over and over that I’m broken. That I’m completely incapable of deciding to do something because it would be healthy or fulfilling and then actually following through. That I’ll never, ever be anything but disappointing. In past years, this would have made me feel suicidal, and caused me to self harm. Instead, I shifted into a tapping session (tapping on certain meridians in the body while talking out my feelings and giving myself compassion and acceptance). I shit you not, after maybe 10 minutes of tapping and yawning and crying, I felt better. It’s not that I’d changed by beliefs necessarily. But energetically, they no longer seemed to matter. I felt at peace. I felt loved. And I think, beyond whatever tapping might ACTUALLY do from a physical perspective, I felt relief because I was willing and able to slow down and truly listen to myself. The person inside me screaming is probably a young version of myself, and they needed my attention. So if you’ve been running yourself ragged dissociating and avoiding yourself, take some time to check in today. Feel free to hit me up for some tapping resources if you’re curious about the practice!
I’m 8 weeks into my 6-month Coach Training with Inner Glow Circle and I’ve learned a crap-ton in just this short time. A few people have asked me what coaching is all about, so here are some things that surprised me! * In therapy, the therapist is considered the expert. But in coaching, the person being coached is the expert. * Coaching is all about questions. As coaches, we have to really listen for the need behind what people say and ask questions that guide them to their own wisdom, power, and intuition. * If we want to share a story or idea, we have to ask, because this is technically no longer coaching - it’s consulting, counseling, or mentoring. * Coaching is really freaking hard! It’s the ultimate expression of being present with someone without waiting your turn to speak. * You don’t actually have to know anything about what a person wants to be coached in. Coaching questions are general and work for any topic. * Being coached is hard work, too. It requires being willing to face your fears, to trust yourself, and to take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for creating real change in your life. If you have any questions, let me know!
The past two years have seen the rise of mass social struggle, and like me, I know a lot of you creative types have been asking, “What can I do?” In times like this, we all need to be educating ourselves, radicalizing, joining activist organizations, instigating discussions, and getting into the streets if we have the time and spoons for it. But art can be activism too. And I’m not just talking about bands with scathing political lyrics like Propagandhi or street artists like Banksy. You can be writing the most saccharine bubblegum pop, the most inane trance, or the happiest care-free bluegrass. What differentiates those who make fluffy entertainment and artists who are contributing to powerful, transformative cultural change is HOW YOU SHOW UP AS AN ARTIST. It’s how you TALK about your art, your life, and your beliefs. It’s where you present you art and to whom. It’s accessibility. It’s inclusion. It’s cultural sensitivity. It’s your INTENTION. How are you showing up for the world as an artist? How would you like to start showing up? What are some ways of showing up that ONLY YOU can do?
Whether it be about the songs, the branding, the booking, or the money, bands can really benefit from having a culture of constrictive critique and input. And for most groups, this doesn’t just happen naturally. It has to be nourished. Constructive critique means that everyone is trying to make the band better. It means that all input is welcome and ENCOURAGED. Even sought after. It mean that critique is NOT PERSONAL. It means that we all recognize that we’re in this for the same reason: to collaboratively make something rad. Some tips for fostering a culture of constructive critique in your band: * When you contribute, use nonjudgemental language. Words like dumb, stupid, uncool, lame, awful, and boring are not useful here, and can easily be translated as an attack on the person. * Be aware when you’re taking something as a personal attack, when in reality, it’s not. Remember: you are not your art. * When you’re critiquing something, speak to how it does or does not achieve a goal, rather than how you FEEL about it. Does it fail to get people moving? Does it fail to emphasize the anger in the lyrics? Are you afraid it will turn off your fans in some way? * Be open to radical ideas! In most band situations, one person usually has a stronger hold on the vision of what they wish to achieve. But don’t let that conviction stop you from being open-minded. * Show appreciation when others speak up! * Show gratitude when you feel heard!
Bands are tricky things from a communication perspective. It’s not at all uncommon for people to speak up less and go with the group (or the loudest member) more, because it can be fucking terrifying to state an opinion or disagree. A lot of people just want to make good enough music without a fuss. But not speaking up can lead to resentment, bad choices, worse music, and really shitty breakups where issues that haven’t been aired for six months or more finally explode and ruin a beautiful thing. When we speak up, even if it’s uncomfortable, we give permission to everyone else in the group to speak up. We contribute our best selves to the art we make, doors are opened, and ideas are sparked. Would love to hear from you all. Have you struggled with speaking up? Has silence or complacency ever had a negative impact on your band? Any success stories?
Herd mentality can be a real challenge in bands. So when joining or starting a band, make one-on-one connections ASAP. We’d never join a well-planned orgy without first figuring out who’s been tested recently and what’s on their yes/no/maybe list, so why would we do the same in a band? Maybe that’s a weird metaphor, but if I’m honest, I’m actually pretty proud of that. Get in touch with individual members of the band and ask them how it’s going. What’s working? What’s not working? What role do they enjoy playing? What are their hopes for the future? Any red flags? This may seem like it could lead to secret, problematic alliances, but having individual connections inside of the group can foster trust and validation, can ease group mediation, and can help maintain morale when people are feeling frustrated or unsure. If your group willingly talks openly about everything already: Congratulations. You won the bandlife lottery!
So this is a My Chemical Romance lyric. No secret that I’m a huge fan. But something always struck me about this quote in particular. I’ve loved to sing since I was young. I was in chorus, in the school musicals, and now I’m in punk and metal bands. But I’ve always loved to DANCE, too. I love going out to raves and losing my shit, and I ingest as much dance-based burlesque as I can, often resulting in me sobbing at performances. This lyric really speaks to that hidden part of ourselves - the one we yearn for that hides behind all the things we’re trying to be (or even just other things we love and are focusing on). We should all be encouraged to own and embrace all parts of ourselves, even if we aren’t expressing them outwardly at the moment. Even if we aren’t developing that part of ourselves right now. Hell, I’d propose that this is a pretty common part of the experience of many non-binary people like myself as well. What are you holding inside that you still want to express? What aspects of yourself can you at least acknowledge yourself for and bring into your full understanding of yourself? Is there something you might want to dip your toe into? You may open some new and seriously exciting doors by doing so. Image by Joshua Phillips.
